Monday, May 10, 2010

Just Plain Sad

This doesn't happen to me often. My life has become one where sometimes I'm home and sometimes I'm not. When I'm not, I'm not just 15 minutes away - I'm 1,500 miles away or more. I've gotten used to it - it's just the way it is. Over the past 5 years I haven't stopped long enough to really think about it - until the last 3 days. I love what I do for a living. I want my girls to grow up with a work ethic and to understand that you have to work hard to get the things that you want and live the lifestyle you aim for. But, what if it's not worth it? I was gone for a week on one of the busiest programs of my career. It was extraordinarily busy, fun and rewarding and I had the opportunity to work with the finest group of people that I see all year. But, what if it's not worth it?

Today I brought the girls to their grandparent's - Steve and I are leaving in the morning to go on vacation with our friends until Saturday night. We planned it months ago and have been looking so forward to it. I didn't think twice about leaving - until today. I cried the whole way back from Milwaukee. I miss my girls. I miss the little lives that I'm missing. I miss the personalities that are evolving and everything that comes with it.

At what point do you stop feeling guilty? If I don't work, we don't vacation. We don't go out for dinner a few times a week, we don't wear designer labels or go shopping just because we can. Who does that benefit? We made this decision together so we can provide our family with the finer things. But, what if it's not worth it? I don't know how to figure it all out. I've met so many wonderful people, seen some incredible places that I wouldn't have and learned so, so much. But sometime, somewhere, my babies grew up ... and me? I'm getting on another airplane first thing tomorrow morning.

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